By Margaret Ely
Contributing Writer
There is no denying that going to college is an exciting experience. From dorm shopping to finding out who my roommate would be, I eagerly counted down the days until I left for my first year away from home.
And while I’m sure my parents were excited for me to start the next phase of my life, it must not have been easy. Watching a child go off on their own raises a lot of questions and concerns for parents. Will they be safe? Will they make responsible decisions, eat well, study, and make friends? And with your son or daughter off on their own, there is no way to control the situation as you once did. No curfew, no daily check-ins.
In this column I’d like to offer my advice to parents of college age students. From drugs, alcohol and sex to studying habits, there is a lot to cover and a lot to think about. And perhaps some guidance from a current college student (and daughter, of course) can help.
Your first big worry might be that we neglect everything you’ve ever taught us, that we’ll become wild and unruly because we’re finally off on our own. And that this could lead to some serious consequences; some jail time, an unwanted pregnancy, failing out of a class. The list goes on. However, part of going to college is learning how to be independent. We would like you to let us make our own mistakes, accept and deal with the consequences, and hopefully learn and become a better person because of them.
Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean we won’t want your advice or guidance on a few issues, and as parents I’m sure you feel obligated to do so. You were once our age, and despite what you might think, we do respect your opinion and are willing to listen. Where parents go wrong tends to be communicating. Getting us to listen is key. I promise, it doesn’t have to go ‘in one ear and out the other’ if you follow a few simple guidelines.
The first step is to find a time and place to talk. You might be tempted to sit us down and make it a serious chat. And while the subject matter is serious, and important, we dread the formal talks. They make us uncomfortable, and it will surely be more difficult to get us to listen and really internalize what you’re saying if we’re uncomfortable. Instead, it might be more affective to try catching us when we aren’t too busy and talk in a casual setting. Our bedroom is a good choice, or perhaps out getting ice cream after dinner.
After you have our attention comes the tricky part. My first piece of advice that applies to any concern you might have is don’t set rules you cannot enforce. There is simply no way of telling us we cannot do anything. You can threaten or try to scare us, but without your supervision there is really no way of monitoring if we take shots at a party or not, and if you start off the conversation with unenforceable rules, you’ll lose our attention and patience instantly. It’s the sad truth, and might be difficult to accept.
A major concern high on parents’ lists of worries is drinking and partying. There are plenty of 21 year olds on college campus’ supplying alcohol for parties. Fake identifications (ID’s) are not uncommon either. Partying and drinking make up the majority of college students social life. From jungle juice, a concoction of hard liquor and Kool-aid, to cheap Keystone Light beer, there are plenty of drinks available. It might be best to research the party scene at your child’s school. Whether your son or daughter is going to a city school, state school, or small liberal arts college makes a big difference.
Drugs may be a whole other concern on your mind. The drug of choice on campus is marijuana, and while you cannot ban your child from trying it (as with drinking), tell them you hope they understand what your stance is on drugs, whether you would be disappointed or mad if we were to try them. Again, don’t make a rule you cannot enforce. But make your feelings on drugs clear.
Perhaps your child has no interest in trying drugs or drinking alcohol. Bringing the topic up in a comfortable setting and without judging might help your child open up about their own fears and plans concerning college. A good idea may be to let them have their say, ask them to tell you what they are feeling and what they know before you offer advice. This way, you will be able to stress more important things they may have less knowledge about.
You may want to try to tell us some experiences you had as a teen with alcohol and drugs. Mention that you’re concerned about our safety and want us to make smart decisions, but that you respect our independence. Remind us that partying should not get in the way of studies. College should be about a balance between having fun and being social and learning, and remind us of this. Giving us basic advice is a good idea as well, like how we shouldn’t leave a drink unattended at a party (men still slip roofies into cups), or remind us to never get in a car with a drunk driver. These might be things your child already knows, or perhaps not. It depends on how you raised them and what they have been exposed to in high school.
Of course, drugs and alcohol aren’t your only concerns. I know with my parents, they worry a lot about my safety as a young woman. My advice to you is to take a deep breath and remember that you’ve (hopefully!) spent 18 years raising your son or daughter to be responsible and safe, and you have to trust that they’ll remember everything you’ve taught them when you drop them off at the beginning of the semester. And learn some new skills along the way!
In my next installment I’ll be addressing Greek life, and finding helping your child find their niche in school.
Margaret Ely is a sophomore in college majoring in journalism and international studies. She writes for her school newspaper and recently completed an internship at her hometown newspaper.